Limping Out: Part 3

Through necessity I did this day. You see the ankle sprain I had sustained was so severe that when eventually examined it was thought to be 100% certainly broken. The rib and chest pain I described, that was a collapsed lung and bruised chest. Every breathe was a labor to survive. I was told had I not come in to urgent care I would not have been able to breathe by the end of the day. Remember my post on reaching the end of your breath as the start of God’s?!!! THIS WAS THAT DAY. I had no hope of making it out unless God walked at my side carrying me along the way. There was no crutch, no walking stick, no rescue, only a rugged uneven loose rocky terrain of the San Gabriel mountain range. Did I mention this is the home of mountain lions, Coyotes, and other wild creatures. Not a good situation. So I got up and began to walk out, limp out with God.

 

Along the way I was reminded of the prayers I had said that very morning. Prayers of protection, prayers where I claimed the healing power of Christ, prayers where I claimed the power of the Holy Spirit in casting out evil. Amazingly powerful prayer. Each step was a labor, not too much pressure on the left foot not too much compensation on the right chest. Shooting pain on a foot for an incorrect step, blazing fire in my chest when I breathed too deep or compensated for my ankle. It was a no win situation. Three miles to go, 2.75 miles to go, 2.5 miles to go. A mountain biker, a hard core guy, my kind of rider labored up to me issuing a faint greeting of beautiful day isn’t it?! Fantastic I countered, have a great ride. It was all I could muster more words would have been like fire in my chest.

 

But why didn’t you ask him for help?!!!

 

I had already decided that this was God’s turn. He would save me from this place. He would be my deliverer. This was my Egypt, he is my King. No, some mountain biker would do me no good on this journey. 

2.25 miles 

Pain seemed to envelop me, panic was lurking in the shadows. This was not going to be easy could we make it I wondered more than once. Could this battered body make it out even with God as its guide? 

2.0 miles: 

Passing by places from happier hikes time with God in prayer, time with wind whipping through my hair times of promise, times of joy. Today was a labor today was dependence.

1.75 miles: 

There were steps where I swear my ankle stopped hurting. My mind said pick up the pace this is a bad dream. Was this the edge of shock and delirium? No this was God. Remember the serenity prayer and the story of how two sets of prints became one? God was carrying me out in this time. This was not of me. 

1.5 miles: 

How can this be God? Why did this happen? I protected you, remember the psalm? He asked. Why does it hurt so much Lord I can’t take it . Remember my son? What was his pain like for you? I am with you even now. 

1.25 miles:

I can see the end of the trail it is a long way off but I can see it for the first time. Can we make it God? I trust you. Will my ankle get that far? 

1.0 miles: 

Father why am I not angry that this happened? Why does this seem like only an inconvenience? Why the range of emotion? Why the JOY?!!! 

0.75 Miles: 

Oh the biker again. Laughter He still can’t help me. Have a great ride! Have a great hike he responds. If only he knew! This was the hike of lifetime. Limping out with God. 

0.5 miles: 

What! You have got to be kidding me a JEEP!? Man too late no way we finish what we started God and man (injured man) How’s it going guys, enjoy your ride. 

0.25 miles: 

Time for the cell phone not much battery left but enough to make the call. Kim (my wife) please come get me now! Are you okay? A voice of genuine concern she can hear the labor and pain in my voice. Just come get me I will tell you when you arrive. 

0.0 miles:

Relief God has carried me out of the wilderness. Praise his holy and faithful name.

 

Only joy remained in my soul as my wife pulled up and I carefully managed to get into her car. Yes the human emotions wreaked havoc on my mind. In less than 4 hours I would travel the entire grief cycle while waiting for and between medical care. Urgent care confirmed the extent of my injuries and marveled at how I was able to get out of the mountains. Not me I knew how, it was a God thing. I ended up travelling by ambulance to the local hospital where after many pain killing drugs a chest tube was inserted to address my collapsed lung. It is funny to consider that despite the vicadin, adavan and morphine and whatever else was in the cocktail they gave me I had once and for all experienced the peace that surpasses all understanding. I was joyful, I was content.  

 

Amazingly this was not the end of the story...

Anticipation

Last week I was faced with a delicious opportunity; sacrifice. I was encouraged to take part in a church wide activity to draw closer to our heavenly father. Imagine several thousand believers all denying themselves in a form of personal worship to our savior. As I entered into this time I had a joy in my heart I had never before experienced. It was anticipation of something remarkable.

It is very much like my favorite verse of the bible Isaiah 40:31

“those that wait upon the lord with renew their strength, they will mount up on wings as eagles.”

The only thing is, as the week progressed each day I felt weaker. I would get short tempered, light headed, irritable. All these negative things yet each moment I experienced negativity I would pray. It is hard to describe the comfort I felt in these moments. It is what baby must experience in its mothers womb. There is a sense of a warm liquid enveloping you. You feel perfect contentment, perfect comfort and capture. You are secure. You know no pain, loneliness, fear, hunger or temptation. You are cared for, you are loved you are connected. This week I felt like this in God. Each moment of panicky desperation I would cry out to God in prayer and my father would answer. He would wrap me up in an embrace a supernatural embrace.

The devil prowled around the edges always looking for an angle of attack. A lustful thought here, an angry frustrated thought there. Yet he had no entry point. God was my rock and my protection. He would allow no attack to succeed. For five days I denied myself and God showed up so powerfully. He showed up in prayer comforting my soul, he showed up in a warm sunshine of a fading California afternoon. He showed up in a light breeze, in a business meeting going better than could be hoped for. He showed up in a confrontation that turned into peace. He showed up in worship and in love. He showed up in my children’s eyes as they watched their Dad sacrifice all week.

God showed up.

He renewed my strength.

He taught me a lesson I will never forget. Last post I wrote about how the end of our breath is the start of his. This week he showed me how it would work. All week I fasted. All week I was hungry. My body rebelled; my mind picked up its game everything in me save my soul fought against me. My flesh wanted me to live the lie of the world. The flesh is in control. You must eat, you must obey. You must be human. This lie, so cleverly disguised.

"It is written: 'Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.' Matthew 4:4

This week I learned that no matter where we are in life we can cry out to God and he will answer. He will comfort, he will show up. When we reach the end of our self he will be there. He is our guide, our leader, our salvation our everything.

What an awesome lesson.

Yesterday after five hungry frustrating days my small group attended a church wide night of worship and prayer. We were there for the first two hours praising and praying.

The Lord is in the house!

No question. As I prayed I had a clear sense that the Holy Spirit had come upon me. He was in my prayer. What power, what an awesome God.

So the week ended. A week of sacrifice, a week of obedience a week of worship. Wow. What absolute joy, what revelation what an awesome God.

I cannot wait to do this again!

Father

I have no words, only the longing of my heart for you

Praise you

The End of Your Breath is the Start of Mine

I love to ride my mountain bike. The more uncertain the terrain, the steeper the climb, the more determined and happy I become. For me there is absolute joy in riding in the wilderness, being in nature enjoying this God given gift. There are times when I feel as if I could ride forever, be totally at one with nature and my God; no greater feeling than this. Then there are other times, times when on a steep climb I reach the end of my endurance, when a cutting wind will not relent, when the rain chills to the bone, when the sun bakes the skin or the dust dries out my mouth. At these times I want to stop, catch my breath drink deeply of cool water and allow my heart to slow back down. I want a break; I want to catch my breath.

A few months back I was riding in the San Gabriel Mountains at my churches men’s retreat. A group of us had decided in advance to ride that afternoon. We drove up to the end of the street and discussed where to ride. Many wanted to ride down the fantastically steep road to the camp. What an adrenaline rush to ride a bicycle over 30 mph. A smaller group wanted just a little more. We set off up and up the trail at the end of the road. We climbed the steep trail to its end in the California wilderness. The beauty took your breath away, tall trees, crisp cold air, the faint sound of a river and wildlife in the background. Two of us decided to go a little further up yet, blazing our own trail through the pine covered underbrush and rocky ground.

I can barely convey the raw beauty of this place. To share it with a Christian brother and my God was almost too much for me. We prayed at the top of our climb basking in the glory of his majesty. While there a thought came to me. It was God speaking to me in his usual way, a quiet thought in the back of my mind. This day (this weekend for that matter) I was listening carefully for his voice. I heard him clearly and knew it would be the theme of this very post.

When you reach the end of your breath, you find the start of mine.

I knew what he meant. Stop relying on yourself and find strength in me. For in your weakness you will find my strength. This was a loving act, fatherly advice to an ignorant stubborn sinner. He was trying to save me from the grief he knew I would endure through rebellious acts of my own creation in the not so distant future.

He breathed life into me in the beginning, he will be there when I breathe my last, he will welcome me into his kingdom. His breath not mine.

On his earth I have been given an endowment. An endowment that can be used any way I choose. He wanted me to trust in him rely on him and come to him for guidance and support, for comfort and wisdom. I need to do this and stop relying on myself. I love the way he reveals himself to me. I loved that moment because I was immediately aware of his voice not some time after the fact, no it was real time.

It took a while to sink in, to realize the lesson behind the quote. Finally I get it, I understand. As I battled with sin today this story came back and guided me to surrender myself to my father in prayer. I reached the end of myself and gave the problem over to him and was delivered. I praise God for this.

I think it time to return to my mountain playground, to ride pray and worship. To lose myself in another ride and find him, that is what I seek. I want to be in him, he is my guide, my protector, my strength, my deliverer my breath.

Father I praise your name
I thank you and praise you for the gift of wilderness
I praise you for your word to me
For revealing to me a loving guidance
You are the air I breathe

Amen

What is your story? Part II

Today I will continue on with points 4 and 3. Again this is a story that God is revealing to me real time. I share it with you as is becomes clear to me. It is a story of maturation in Christ and a story of love and faith. It is a story that will allow me to become even more resolute in doing God’s will with love and humility in this world. One day I will walk across the room to a stranger, a non believer and ask in love, if he knows our Savior Jesus.

Acts: Point 4

Last Tuesday morning I was hit with a profound revelation. Those of you strong in your faith will find this to be rather obvious. No doubt a duh!!! might be thought or even spoken. But all of us have moments where even the most elegantly simple concept has mystified us for some time only for us to finally get it. The Holy Spirit is a real being. Yes, did you know that? I really had never considered that he was. He was always a mysterious ghost like thing that you called upon to help someone in need.

Tuesday morning in a men’s leadership class our pastor stated that the Holy Spirit will prompt us to act in accordance with his will. We being dough head men will often say nah! This (my) way is better. The spirit will let us proceed, of course, taking us ever further away from his will in our lives. I heard our pastor say (it may have been early, he may not have said this but) the spirit’s feeling would get hurt. Let’s not debate whether this could be true or not. The point of the matter was that somehow God revealed to me that the spirit is one of three important beings in our Triune God. I never considered this, never recognized that I was treating the Holy Spirit as more of a tool than a part of my God.

This evening I prayed to the Holy Spirit to forgive me. I invited him fully into my heart as an equal member of my God. It was a powerful yet humble prayer. I was aware of how much I have missed out on by not recognizing this basic fact, not honoring God fully. Today this changed. I was aware of his presence, a subtle sensation / awareness came over me. I immediately lifted up in prayer several loved ones who I knew to be in need of prayer. With more conviction and release than I have ever known I lifted each up in prayer knowing that this powerful being was listening and would act on this authentic prayer.

Praise you Lord for revealing this ignorance in me so that I might repent of it and connect more powerfully with the Holy Spirit.

I can only imagine what might have been had I recognized this earlier. All those subtle whispered messages over the last number of years. Where had they come from? The Holy Spirit of course. If only I had tapped his power earlier, what good might God have done for his people?

Can you imagine what the Holy Spirit must have been thinking? Here is this dope that sometimes listens to my voice. Sometimes he even acts on what I share with him. All the while he has no idea I am real, I am God. He insults me with his ignorance but still he tries to listen he tries to ask me to act in others. What a knuckle head, maybe one day he will get it! Tuesday was that day. Praise God, Praise you Holy Spirit!

So when you pray, when you ask the Holy Spirit to act in the lives of those you pray for, do you realize he is God a member of the Trinity?

Mark: Point 3

For the past five months I have become a part of my churches outreach into the poorest part of south Fontana California. Each month we set up at a local Christian Church and care for people. I discussed this in detail in the first post on this blog Em-Manuel. It did not take long for this activity to become something I looked forward to. It is to a point now where if something were to conflict with this activity I would decline it. This outreach is too important to be missed. Manuel has become a friend I pray for regularly. David, Don, Dewayne and Mike have all changed me. Getting to know men in humble desperate circumstance leaves its mark.

For me every drop of sweat, every twinge of pain, every word of prayer is magnified. It is a moment of consciousness of my role in the Kingdom of God. It represents my opportunity to be a working healthy part of the body of Christ.

There is more to the story though. I shared a few posts ago of the passion I have been given to lead, this heavenly gift is a calling upon my life. There are two models of leadership I breathe. The first is servant leadership modeled after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Serving others, making yourself a confident, capable “last” is core to this model. I revel in it, for I know where my strength comes from. Unlike the worldly perspective on this style of leadership, I am no door mat. I say this not out of pride but out of confidence in the Lord and the gifts he bestowed upon me. Would you call Christ a door mat when he tore up the money changers tables in the temple square? Hardly! There is a quiet deep strength in this form of leadership.

The other model of leadership I breathe also originates from my faith; transformational leadership. Helping others to transcend their individual circumstance to achieve something beyond their individual capabilities, this is transformational leadership at its best.

Why do I share these two models with you? Well they relate to the transformation occurring within me. My role as a servant in this activity has created a hunger to do more for God, but it has also lived out the scriptures. My zeal to do God’s will to make myself last has led to an opportunity to take a leadership role in this outreach on behalf of my Church. According to one of our church elders it was the very fact that I served with joy that led him to ask me to help lead. It’s not about me, it is about God being true to his word in Mark. 10:44

Whoever wants to be first among you must be the slave of all. Mark 10:44

Please understand I do not seek to be first, actually I am absolutely happy to stay toiling in obscurity. But God will always raise up those who are true to his word. I suppose this happens to be me in this story. Praise God

Father continue your work in me

Guard my heart, protect me from the evil one

I praise your name for the revelation you gave me this week

I praise the Holy Spirit and all he does in this world

Use me fully father to further your kingdom

I am your servant

There is no greater work than to do your will

Use me

In your son's holy name I pray

Amen

Alright God, Tell me if I need to go!

This is the final installment in the story of the mens barbecue from last Tuesday evening. After an eloquent speech and persuasive argument on the compelling need for men to worship our heavenly father, our pastor leveled a challenge. Any man here tonight who has made a choice of his own making, who knows he is not in Gods will, in God's plan, come to the front so we can pray for you, so you can repent.

If you have read my previous posts (The Trip I, etc) you will know that for several months now I have been praying hard for our heavenly father to speak into my life his desire for me. Tell me your will and I WILL DO IT, what ever you say I will do, where ever I have to go I will. Use me.

I considered my daily prayer, my petition for direction and then contemplated my pastors question. I lifted up my thoughts to the Lord and said bluntly Do I need to go to the front? Say the word I will go...Nothing not a word, not an emotion, not a hint. I stayed in place this night and prayed for my Christian brothers arms raised in prayer over them invoking the name of our father to forgive each of them.

As I walked away that evening, the queasy feeling in the pit of my stomach returned. But there was something else there too, resolve and peace. Yes I was attacked, but I had passed the test. The following day my resolve and obedience would turn to absolute joy as I worshiped my heavenly father with all my strength in song and exercise.

Father you are Holy
I praise your name above all
I praise you in the Hills
in the streets, in the dark places
I praise you now and forever more
I praise your Holy name
I praise you for your gift of grace

In your Son's victorious name I pray

Amen

Ron

Alright! The music just ended, we haven’t missed anything yet….

Our pastor spoke this oft heard quote that echoes the halls of our church as the praise music ends and the announcements and message are about to begin. Busted I was. My wife and I regularly show up during the first half hour of our service during the praise portion, reasoning, its just music we have not missed the message. How infinitely wrong we have been in this behavior.

Our pastor continued to teach us this Tuesday evening about the meaning of the greatest commandment

Love the Lord thy God with all your heart mind and soul Mark 12:30

When Jesus uttered these prophetic words to the Pharisees all those years ago, what he was saying that we need to worship at the feet of our heavenly father. Praise him, worship him, love him.

These words were a revolution inside my heart. In my stoic world of maintaining appearances I often consider my surroundings before I ever lift my hands in worship. Why is it so hard for a man of God to praise his heavenly father? Our pastor continued. As he wrapped up this message he shared a stance he had personally taken. He said he would rather be judged a fool by men then a fool by God. With that as a backdrop I considered my own behaviors. Truly I needed to be bolder in my own faith, to worship like David not caring what man said or thought. What a place to be left, resolute in finding my own voice of authentic worship.

The next day I found myself looking clearly toward my afternoon bike ride into the mountains. I knew what was coming. I was not just going to pray this day I would WORSHIP my Lord and Savior. At the peak of my ride I prayed earnestly for revelation, for courage, for peace. I interceded on behalf of some many people I love who are broken and hurting. Today my prayers were from my knees, where I belong. (The Lord had conveniently blown a piece of cardboard into the location where I pray each day, almost as if to welcome me and say I know what you need today). At the end of my prayer in abject humility I tried to cry out in song my worship of the Lord. Did I mention that I suck at singing. Not only that but no words came to mind from any of the worship songs I love.

Well the Lord will provide! (Remember a few posts back where the Lord told me to listen to my Ipod? He did so again. After all there are only about 300 Christian songs on the thing!)

I choose deliberately. Mercy Me came immediately to mind. Their music so soulful, the lyrics pull on my heart. I started “I can only imagine”. Yes imagine a grown man standing on the side of a mountain belting out, way out of tune, the lyrics of a song. No one else can hear the music; no one else knows what this crazy guy is singing about, just God and me. It was awesome, tears streamed down my face as I soaked in the lyrics (and yelled them out) of this beautiful song and for a brief moment could conceive of what it meant to really love God.

The ride down the mountain and back to my house was even more powerful for me. My poor bike strained under the continuous blows of rocks sticking above the trail. The chain rattled off the frame as I sped onward, downward fully engulfed in my own powerful, private worship session. I hit the bottom of the trail at full speed and attempted to make a gravelly high speed turn as Mercy Me pounded into my ears. The tires bit then slipped bit then slipped, over the top of the bike I went landing standing up. With a triumphant yell of praise I hooted and hollered to my savior. This wipe out is for you, you are my rock, my savior PRAISE YOUR NAME!!!

The ride continued onto city streets, the music even louder to drown out the sound of the wind whipping past my ears. 20 miles per hour 25, I was on fire. I could not go fast enough, sing loud enough. As I made the turn west to head home the wind was fully against me slowing me to a crawl. I labored to catch my breath, the fire of worship was now in my thighs. (I was tired, my muscles were burning). Each time I caught my breath I would rejoin the chorus of the latest song. I would run out of breath and stop singing long enough to start again. By the time I was within a mile of my house, everyone must of wondered who the crazy bikin singin guy was. What a powerful experience. I am left to ponder what my next worship experience will be and whether I will scare the kids in the neighborhood…

"I Can Only Imagine"

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
And I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You
I can only imagine

[Chorus]

I can only imagine [x2]

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever, forever worship you

Father I praise your Holy name

amen