"Twas grace that saved a wretch like me"

Have you ever felt lost, defeated, embarrassed, beaten, worthless? Have you? I have.

The wisdom of man is the mere folly of God

This past weekend I listened to a wonderful testimony by a Jewish Christian named Judy Reimer. Judy shared a poignant story of how she was found and saved by the King of the Universe, Jesus Christ. Throughout her early life she described how empty and broken she felt. She tried to fill the spaces inside with stuff, with all the trappings of the world. She tried the altruistic route doing acts of service; she tried new age mumbo jumbo spirituality. Nothing worked, she was empty and no amount of self help fixed her. She described how instead of looking Godward for deliverance she continued to look inward to self help techniques.

I once was lost, now am found

My own story is a bit different from Judy’s. Mine has had many ups and downs. The best way to describe my story is through a game I played as a boy; King of the hill. My game was at its best in the ice and slate gray days of January in small town Canada. At recess, my school yard friends and I would gather to see who would be king of the bitter cold (icy) hill. The objective was to get to the top and stay there. Neither getting there nor staying there was an easy task. Getting up the ice covered hill required the skills of Spiderman and the patience of Job. We had to be certain not to fall since the hill is hard as well “ice”. Believe it or not ice feels hot after a certain amount of contact in one exposed location, not a great idea. Every step is treacherous. You get a toe hold, then a hand hold then reach up for another toe hold and whoosh down you go. If you were lucky you came to rest before the ice filled watery moat at the base of the hill. Our game was not for wimps, lose and you were lucky not to get frostbite for your effort.

My journey in Christ has been a lot like my old school yard game. I got over the moat pretty easily as a young Christian. I climbed the base of the hill carefully being sure to follow the doctrine of those who had climbed before me. Yet as I reached higher there was always something causing me to stumble. Whether a deposed school chum sliding down (worldly perspective) or a lost grip (personal sin), starting over was the order of each day it seemed. Yes by the way I got my share of icy soakers. Often I felt as if getting to the top was impossible, only a saint could navigate this bitter ice field.

This is my faith journey, one tenuous step up and three back down. Praise God, Jesus did not give up on me. He continued to encourage and support me as I moved onward ever deliberately, stubbornly upward toward full surrender to him.

On the school ground the hill always drew us in; we wanted to be king of our icy realm if only for a 15 minute recess. I never gave up, I always wanted to win, I kept climbing falling, climbing and falling until I turned 16. From my late teens till my mid thirties I tired of the game and walked away. Why you ask? It was not the big questions. Is God real? Does he care about me? How could a man be God? Why would God die for me? It was something far craftier by the enemy. Am I supposed to blindly follow this churches dogma? You expect me not to ask questions? To blindly accept and follow what I am told? No sir I cannot do that. So I left.

Honor thy father and mother and it will go well with you

Fast forward to 1998. I am in my mid thirties and feeling empty. I had a successful career, a loving wife, two beautiful children, a lovely home and I am empty, broken and riddled with guilt and defeat. Out of “obligation” I attended a mass with my parents that Christmas. I did not expect to enjoy it. I expected to fulfill some sense of duty a son has toward his parents. I love them, they want me to go, so I go and act polite. Little did I know that what I meant for politeness God would turn into good. In the middle of this Mass, the whole congregation joined hands and prayed the Our Father. It was as if I had been kicked in the stomach. I could feel a sensation of community, the electricity of connectedness within this congregation and new at once that was what was missing in me. The emptiness welled up and left a bitter taste in my mouth. This is what was missing, love community faith…God. I was empty and God was telling me he was the only thing that could fill me.

I decided in earnest that I needed to rediscover this concept of God and faith. I had always believed he was real, just that it wasn’t for me. In the past eight years I have re-embraced the icy hill game of my youth and begun once again to discover what it means to be a Christian. Only this time it is different. I am armed with a bible that I actually read OFTEN. God’s word has guided me these last several years in a supernatural way.

Create in me a new heart oh God and renew my spirit

But alas I am still just a sinner. Today I stand before you broken and scarred, but not lost, not worthless, not embarrassed and most of all not defeated. You see I am a new creation in Christ. He is transforming me, giving me a new heart; a heart that loves the poor and lonely, a heart that breaks over the struggles of others. He is giving me a clean heart a fresh spirit.

Today I slip on the hill of my youth and Christ is there to catch my fall. Moments of guilt have been replaced with humility and wonder at his sacrifice for me. One day I will reach the top and after hearing the words I long to hear “well done good and faithful servant” I expect my lord to laugh heartily as I come to realize I was never alone, he was always there waiting for me to reach out to him with all my heart.

Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength

They will soar on wings like eagles

Father

Your work in me is far from complete and I wait joyfully for your spirit to continue the transformation you have underway in my heart. Open the eyes of my heart, give me a passion to serve your people, guide me on the path to righteousness. Teach me and reveal to me your destiny for me your grand design of how I can make a difference in your kingdom.

Father I love you and worship you

In your son’s victorious name I pray

Amen

Ron