When I needed it...
Where was the grace and acceptance of a forgiving loving God?
When I did not understand it…
Where was the healing from shame and self condemnation?
When the pain was too much to bear…
Where was the humility of a life devoted to Christ?
When I knew nothing of it...
The answer to these questions have, for me, a similar answer; The answer lies hidden deep within the lies and deception of the enemy. For years I lived in the insanity of what most men go through. I lived in the constant struggle of good behavior followed by failure then condemnation, guilt, remorse, confession. Each time through the cycle was as if on a downward spiral staircase stuck acting as a descending escalator. You simply cannot win, every stumble takes you further away from the love and forgiveness of Christ. The failures pile up one upon another. You feel like a train wreck. Each car scattered all over the ground one upon another in a tangled mess of steel broken glass, broken flesh and heart ache.
I lived this pattern most of my formative years and adult life. Although a lifelong believer, I fell victim to the schemes of the devil so easily I look back on it with embarrassment. I feel like a cow being led to the slaughter house.
Why do we as men live in this pain for so long? How can we be released from this bondage?
Unfortunately we live compartmentalized lives. We live in secret. We think we cannot share our pain, our desperation, our desolation. We think that our identity is at risk; our very manhood will be undercut if we confess to another brother the struggle for life we engage in every day. The lie of pride, the lie of ego, the lie of shame all clever deceptions of an enemy who never sleeps.
We see a racy commercial on television and Victoria Secret models assault our thought life. Before we know it we are in death thinking things no man has a right to.
We see a shiny new Lexus, Mercedes, BMW, fill in the blank and we lust after the sleek lines, the precision engineering. We imagine what it must be like to drive such a fine automobile. We start to attack the driver. How can they have it if I cannot?! We swell up with pride at how we will be perceived behind the wheel.
We take one more drink (drug, fill in the blank) to dull the pain of profound loneliness of meaninglessness. We know we should not but we do, just one more we rationalize I can handle it.
Can you?!! Really!! I think not.
My heart is broken today and I believe it will stay that way until my Lord and savior gives me a new one. I too still fall victim to these traps but Praise God the frequency has lessened and the condemnation is gone. I have been given a gift of knowledge that the struggles I have had have been of the flesh and not of my soul. My struggles are sure to be with me for the days to come, yet the consequences of failure are so totally different.
Christ loves me, he knew me before I was born, and he has a plan for me. I take such comfort in this and know that through him all things are possible. Through him I can be a difference maker, through him I can help the Kingdom grow. I can be his hands, his feet. May his will be done on earth.
There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus
Amen
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