The Desert

I was reflecting the other day on the highs and lows of the journey to discipleship in Christ and realized I had a story to tell. Here it is.

The Desert

In 2000 I left the only company I had ever worked for to move west to California. It seemed the right move to make. I was done with my old company and the new job was exactly what I had been seeking. You know many people thought my wife and I brave. We left our country, our home, the only company I had ever known for a new life in socal. We didn’t think ourselves brave, just decisive and perhaps adventurous. As a life long catholic who had only two years prior begun to rediscover his faith, the decision process was embarrassingly secular. I did not seek Gods wisdom in prayer, I did not pray for the success of the transition. We just negotiated a good deal and moved.

We had no church to call home, we had no friends, we had no relatives within 2400 miles to lean on. We had nothing but each other. We had God of course but we did not know how to seek him. I did not know how to pray beyond a Hail Mary and an Our Father. Somehow neither seemed to be on point.

We were in a desert of our own making.

Have you ever felt loneliness? Have you felt the sting of not being able to reach out and connect with people? To suffer alone, to be a shadow of your full vibrant self, to have no friends? Do you know this pain? This is not the church of Christ described in Acts 2:42!


We tried local catholic churches, none fit. I am not sure the local churches in socal have heard of the second Vatican council. Latin masses and blind faith?! No this is not my idea of spending time with God. We continued searching. Months past, it felt like years. I prayed longingly for Godly men to come into my life to befriend. Someone with whom I could share my heart.


After months of loneliness and quiet suffering, we were invited to a Lutheran church. If only the Lutherans knew how similar they are to Catholics. It is profoundly saddening to know how much we share yet neither cannot admit to. The Lutheran tradition was so close to what I had come to love in Catholicism that the transition was softened. We quickly were welcomed into this church family and began to heal and eventually grow once again in our faith.

Was this desert a lesson? I certainly think so. It takes me back to my favorite verse in Jeremiah (29:11) Seek me with all your heart says the lord and I will be found by you. I will release you from captivity.

This desert time was long and painful, lonely and discouraging yet through it we emerged even more dependent on God, even more committed to our faith, even more resolved to move toward complete surrender and one day be a disciple totally on fire for God.

Let me end this post on the word that the Lord gave me as I wrote it for I know this verse was given to me so that I might know he was with me through this challenging time in "the desert"

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Mt 11:28


Praise be your Holy name Father

May you grant me the wisdom to seek you in all the decisions of my life

That I may make your will mine and that I would honor you always

In your son's victorious name I pray

Amen

I Look Onto the Hills

Psalm 121, my favorite.

I returned to my mountain playground this afternoon after several weeks of straight road biking. If you read my previous post What's in your wallet you will know that the fall is fire storm season and riding in the bone dry scorched brush mountains is not so safe an activity.

It has been cool and dry for a while now (60-70 degrees) California cool so I thought I could safely ride again. Returning to my outdoor prayer closet is an indescribable joy for me. You see on the road I have no private place to pray.

My prayer time today was powerful. The combination of personal weakness, solid sermons on prayer and the holy spirit, reading about prayer and surrender, listening to bible podcasts all combined for a climatic prayer experience. I was so relieved to be back in the Lords presence, so humbled to talk to him, so sad at my own weakness.

Yet the Lord is good and his grace abounds.

These past few weeks I have found myself drifting, drifting away from the Lord's protective hand. I found myself deceived by the evil one, separated and attacked. Yet the Lord's grace abounds and his love infinite. Today I confessed my sin and weakness and asked forgiveness. I interceded on behalf of many in my life who are lost and hurting. I prayed my dangerous prayer; use me Lord, your will be done through me.

For I know there is no condemnation in Christ and the weakness in me is of the flesh. I am not my flesh I am a child of the most high God, saved and washed clean by the blood of my savior Jesus Christ. Victory.

Father

I praise your Holy name.
I thank you for your son, his sacrifice
I confess my own weakness and shortcomings
I beg your forgiveness
I praise you Father.

Amen

Happy Thanksgiving

Today is a day for reflection and thanksgiving. I pray all my readers a peaceful day filled with family and friends. May your celebrations be all that you desire. May you find many reasons to be thankful. I hope you take the opportunity to thank those who have been a blessing in your life. may all of us recognize the source of our life and being and thank our heavenly Father for his generosity.

This is my 10^th American thanksgiving celebration after over 30 of them in Canada. It is a fascinating thing to consider the differences between the two. Today however I can only focus on the common theme of gratitude prayer and thanks.

To all my family, friends, and acquaintances I thank you for the influence you have had in my life.

I pray each of you will have a wonderful celebration of thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving

Ron

Tent City: "State and Grove"

Do you love me Peter? Feed my sheep

I looked into the eyes of Alice as I smiled and shook her hand. Alice had seen life the hard way; living out of a run down tent in the bad part of Ontario California, Alice has seen life. She had bad decaying teeth, leathered pock marked skin and tattered dirty cloths. She was searching for a blanket, maybe a newer pair of shoes.

Do you love me Peter? Tend my lambs

There was Ianna. She had been on the street for a couple of months. Her boyfriend had left her. She had nowhere to go no one to reach out to. Her tent had burned to the ground. She showed us scars on her forearm where the nylon material had scared her permanently. She was searching for a jacket and baby cloths. She shared how she was bipolar.

Do you love me Peter? Feed my sheep John 21:15-18

I said hello to Bobby. He blessed us and shared how he had been on the streets now for three years. He lived out of his truck with his old dog, his companion. Bobby could have been Jesus himself. He had deep blue eyes that seemed out of place in this land of despair.

I watched as Alice received a burger, water and some snacks from other volunteers. The gratitude was sincere. This was a lady who depended on the generosity of others. Other came through the food line, so many others.

There were those who had given up on life resignation written all over their face, others who had a glimmer of hope that seemed to be ground out of them moment by moment. A jet screams overhead clawing its way into the sky. I had been in one just days earlier taking off from the Ontario CA airport bound for Portland over this very spot. All the while I was praising God for his blessing on my life. If only that praise and blessing could have rained down on these brothers and sisters as the jet thundered over head.

There were those whose minds were not right, who struggled just to exist. Those who had fear and pain etched into their face. You wanted to wash it off to care for them to help them up. So much pain so much fear, so much despair. It hurt to watch, it hurt to be there.

In the dry dust of an empty field over 200 hopeless, homeless carved out a life, no a survival. No heat, no plumbing, no air conditioning, no sound insulation, this was a hell on earth. Yet in the midst of all the misery there was hope. Several Christian churches were there handing out food, handing out cloths, handing out love.

I was there for a few hours and it changed me, wrecked me actually. My son and I left there in a somber mood. We both thought of these people all day, we resolved to return to the tent city in Ontario. To hand out love and to share the hope of the gospel of our savior Jesus Christ.

Will you join me?

Father

today I felt your pain, your heartbreak over your children

Your people suffering, living in despair

People who have no one nothing, people who need you

Father, it was such as these you sought to save, to heal

I pray that you use me, you teach me how to care for these

to care for your people

Father I pray that this blog touches those who can make a difference

A difference with their hands and their hearts

I pray that many of your people will wake up and feel the suffering around them

and finally do something about it Father

Do not let me lose this heart ache I feel

Use me to help your people

amen

Ron

Retreat! no Advance...

I am in such a joyous place. I returned Sunday from my churches men’s retreat in a glow. I had expected to have a mountain top experience. I had expected to celebrate with my heavenly father a year of obedience spending time with him every morning. I had expected many things.

What I found was so totally different and beyond what I had hoped for. It was as if everything I experienced had happened in slow motion. I had so many revelations, so many moments of clarity, it is hard to describe. Yet it is simple. The revelation came later so much later. I returned to work Monday exhausted and aglow. All I wanted to do was worship, worship, pray and worship. What an incredible place to find myself. It was ridiculously impossible to concentrate on Monday. I basked in the glow of revelation. I enjoyed the momentary pleasure of knowing after the fact that I truly had communed with my heavenly father. I think he just held up my understanding until afterward so as to manage my tender and immature spiritual emotions.

Cabin Time

So if you did not know I am called to lead. I would find a way to lead putting out the garbage if it made sense to do so. When I arrived at the retreat, I immediately did the opposite of what I would normally do. I sought deliberately to follow, to serve, to ensure the retreat was a success. I took on any role necessary.

The message this night seemed peculiar to me. Leadership in the home. It fit the theme of the retreat but it was a stretch for me. Despite this I resolved to be in the moment and see where the spirit would lead. He led to the cabin and a particularly important discussion with the men there. We discussed the leadership role of a man in his home and family. We discussed many things. At one point I was asked why I did not pray with my wife regularly. Was it fear, embarrassment, pride? For me it was fear and self consciousness. Uncertain of my wife’s reaction to this question, I avoided it. I asked her Sunday if she would pray with me daily. Her response…Yes. I have done so for the past three days Praise God.

The same conversation was held related to children. In the end again I resolved to pray for them daily as well. This is a relief. The guilt I have carried on this front has been significant. Today I am free of this burden. Praise you heavenly father.

The River Bank

Saturday morning our pastor delivered a thought provoking message on the life of Peter. Each word seemed to cut deeply as I considered the meaning of Peter’s actions and how they related to my life. After an hour of in depth study our pastor abruptly stopped. He invoked his right as our spiritual leader, commanded us to talk to no one except God for the next hour. Get into a quiet place and talk really talk to your father, go.

I obediently left the chapel and searched for a location to be alone with God. I found a spot on the edge of a mountain stream; a place scoured by winter rivers of Californian flash flood. The cold dry ground sparkled in the weak noonday sun. Even the rocks sparkled a limp gold color in the sun. I sat in the dirt and in earnest prayed. I sought my father. I begged him to show up. Help me to clear my mind of the funk and dirt of life, those clouding thoughts that keep me from greater intimacy with him

For half an hour I quieted my mind and sought him. My mind swirled from thoughts of worldly things to deeper contemplation of my faith journey. Deep, deep within I found his words. Pride, lust, approval. I knew what he meant. My ego (pride) has my whole life kept me from surrendering to him, kept me from greater intimacy. Lust became a discussion of his victory in me. A battle to be wary of. The enemy still is on the prowl looking to bring me down. But this day, this month I am totally in him in this battle and I claim victory in his holy name. Then there was approval. I know that I seek his approval in my life as I have from my earthly father.

I lifted up in order each word. I asked for his forgiveness. I cast out each word from my person. I begged for the Holy Spirits intervention in my battle against pride. I praised my heavenly father for his deliverance on the lust front. I lifted up “approval” and sought his wisdom. I vowed to seek him just because I loved him, not for his approval. I would seek him however long necessary, I would seek him to love him. As I contemplated the word love and what an intimate relationship with God would mean…my radio squawked “Ron from Water of Life come in”

Ron From Water of Life Come in!

The moment was broken, intimacy disappeared in an instant. I could have gotten upset. I could have ignored the call. I could have done many things. This day I did what was needed. I had vowed to serve this weekend. I was to be the liaison between the retreat staff and our leadership, a Godly gopher! So liaise I did. I addressed the concern. As I let the transmit button on my radio loose, I fell to my face in tears. I wanted so badly to re-commune with God, to claim back the moment. It was gone. It was soon replaced with peace and a bright smile. I was here to serve and serve I will. No towel for me, obscurity such a better place. I served with joy and purpose dealing with the issues of the day to ensure a smooth experience for our group.

Praise and Worship

So those of you who know me through this blog know that worship is not my strong suit…yet. Well that would change too. This weekend had more time in worship than I have experienced since the last Promise keepers conference I attended a few years back.

Friday, Saturday morning, Saturday evening, I struggled. Yes there were moments where I was in the spirit praising and worshiping. I could not stay there though. Sunday morning was different. Was it the music, the song choices, I don’t rightly know. What I do know is God showed up for me. A simple whisper “on your knees” I obeyed and their started one of the most profoundly God charged worship times I have experienced. From my knees to my face, I worshiped my heavenly father. As I did so he revealed to me further that pride was not the only root, selfishness was there also

Will you pray for me?

I found myself walking to the front for an altar call. Part way there a brother from last years small group stood in praise. I asked him to pray for me, ask God to break the bonds of pride in my life. Over the decibels of the praise song my brother prayed hard for me. With a thankful hug I continued to the front. To my knees, to my face I prayed for forgiveness and deliverance to be selfless, to be humble.

Praise God. I left the retreat a changing (not changed too presumptuous) man of Christ.

How was the retreat Ron?

In the last three days I have been asked that question so many times. Each time, the Lord reveals a new detail of what we experienced together. So many moments so many stories.

I am a new creation in Christ. I am a man of God. I am forgiven, I am saved.

Praise God


Ron

He Speaks

You know when I was just coming back to the faith I struggled with those who claimed supernatural intervention. Healings, conversations with God, speaking in tongues all these things used to make me extremely uncomfortable. Frankly most who claimed them I secretly thought were either quacks or at least a lot out of balance.

I think it was a combination of three factors that kept me from seeing God in these events. First I was a skeptic. As I reflect back on my skepticism now I realize this was actually an attack, a diversion. After all if these events were real and I could see it, how could my faith not be deepened. Second was fear. Again it goes like the old confrontational question either Christ was real or he was insane. He is real of course just so if these events were real then how could my faith in Christ not grow deeper. It seemed easier to resist this than embrace things I did not yet understand. Finally these events never happened to me. As an engineer, taught in the tradition of worldly science, I had no evidence to support the hypothesis. How then could it be objectively considered and proven, it could not.

So there I was a relatively naïve and new Christian trying to come to terms with things beyond my ability to process. Yet there was hope in Christ. It seems that the Holy Spirit had a remedial course in supernatural science planned for me. It started with a great kicking the gut. He revealed to me that there was an emptiness in my soul where only God could fit.

So in case there are any non Christians reading this let me state clearly that I have been extremely blessed. All of the usual arguments of how I could fall for Christianity fall short here. In worldly terms I am not weak, I am not unintelligent, and I am not unsuccessful. In heavenly terms I yes, consider myself all these things (weak, unintelligent, unsuccessful). May God be praised and receive all the glory for through his grace these are all washed away. For it is not about me. At all. I would rather be judged a fool by men than a fool by God. Got Christ? Only one answer is not foolish to this question.

Anyway, he kicked me in the gut, woke me up. He then started to reveal to me in very small glimpses his presence in my life. I have learned that he has always been there, waiting patently for me. These glimpses would come as improbable coincidence. A word spoken by multiple unrelated people into my life, a sermon that echoed a conversation held the previous day, a book found randomly that spoke to exactly what troubled me in the faith. For 10 years now these "coincidences" have continued. I recall after about three years feeling this sense that I needed to open myself up further to the holy spirit yet knowing that I was not ready. Surrender. I would learn later that even then I knew I had to surrender to my Lord.

The story continued a Men's bible study conducted over a one year period spoke the heart of the faith to me as each week revealed clearly theme after theme of the faith. Serving in leadership at my church taught me about selflessness and revealed my own lack of the same. Small groups taught me about the importance of love and community in the faith.

All these seemingly separate concepts kept coming together. Finally prayer, sorrowful, lonely prayers brought new friends into my life. Intercessory prayers for healing from cancer were answered. Prayers for deliverance from life's challenges answered. Prayers of self surrender answered with unimaginable opportunity.

So as I sit here now writing this post, I am aware of the transformation in my heart. When people speak in tongues, get healed, speak supernaturally, now I praise God for his revelation, his grace his kindness. No longer do I question whether it is real but how lasting the impact will be.

Does God Speak? Yes.

Father I praise you for your kindness, your mercy your intervention

I praise you for your patience

For waiting on me to get it

For your faithfulness

May I serve you in love always

Amen