I am in such a joyous place. I returned Sunday from my churches men’s retreat in a glow. I had expected to have a mountain top experience. I had expected to celebrate with my heavenly father a year of obedience spending time with him every morning. I had expected many things.
What I found was so totally different and beyond what I had hoped for. It was as if everything I experienced had happened in slow motion. I had so many revelations, so many moments of clarity, it is hard to describe. Yet it is simple. The revelation came later so much later. I returned to work Monday exhausted and aglow. All I wanted to do was worship, worship, pray and worship. What an incredible place to find myself. It was ridiculously impossible to concentrate on Monday. I basked in the glow of revelation. I enjoyed the momentary pleasure of knowing after the fact that I truly had communed with my heavenly father. I think he just held up my understanding until afterward so as to manage my tender and immature spiritual emotions.
Cabin Time
So if you did not know I am called to lead. I would find a way to lead putting out the garbage if it made sense to do so. When I arrived at the retreat, I immediately did the opposite of what I would normally do. I sought deliberately to follow, to serve, to ensure the retreat was a success. I took on any role necessary.
The message this night seemed peculiar to me. Leadership in the home. It fit the theme of the retreat but it was a stretch for me. Despite this I resolved to be in the moment and see where the spirit would lead. He led to the cabin and a particularly important discussion with the men there. We discussed the leadership role of a man in his home and family. We discussed many things. At one point I was asked why I did not pray with my wife regularly. Was it fear, embarrassment, pride? For me it was fear and self consciousness. Uncertain of my wife’s reaction to this question, I avoided it. I asked her Sunday if she would pray with me daily. Her response…Yes. I have done so for the past three days Praise God.
The same conversation was held related to children. In the end again I resolved to pray for them daily as well. This is a relief. The guilt I have carried on this front has been significant. Today I am free of this burden. Praise you heavenly father.
The River Bank
Saturday morning our pastor delivered a thought provoking message on the life of Peter. Each word seemed to cut deeply as I considered the meaning of Peter’s actions and how they related to my life. After an hour of in depth study our pastor abruptly stopped. He invoked his right as our spiritual leader, commanded us to talk to no one except God for the next hour. Get into a quiet place and talk really talk to your father, go.
I obediently left the chapel and searched for a location to be alone with God. I found a spot on the edge of a mountain stream; a place scoured by winter rivers of Californian flash flood. The cold dry ground sparkled in the weak noonday sun. Even the rocks sparkled a limp gold color in the sun. I sat in the dirt and in earnest prayed. I sought my father. I begged him to show up. Help me to clear my mind of the funk and dirt of life, those clouding thoughts that keep me from greater intimacy with him
For half an hour I quieted my mind and sought him. My mind swirled from thoughts of worldly things to deeper contemplation of my faith journey. Deep, deep within I found his words. Pride, lust, approval. I knew what he meant. My ego (pride) has my whole life kept me from surrendering to him, kept me from greater intimacy. Lust became a discussion of his victory in me. A battle to be wary of. The enemy still is on the prowl looking to bring me down. But this day, this month I am totally in him in this battle and I claim victory in his holy name. Then there was approval. I know that I seek his approval in my life as I have from my earthly father.
I lifted up in order each word. I asked for his forgiveness. I cast out each word from my person. I begged for the Holy Spirits intervention in my battle against pride. I praised my heavenly father for his deliverance on the lust front. I lifted up “approval” and sought his wisdom. I vowed to seek him just because I loved him, not for his approval. I would seek him however long necessary, I would seek him to love him. As I contemplated the word love and what an intimate relationship with God would mean…my radio squawked “Ron from Water of Life come in”
Ron From Water of Life Come in!The moment was broken, intimacy disappeared in an instant. I could have gotten upset. I could have ignored the call. I could have done many things. This day I did what was needed. I had vowed to serve this weekend. I was to be the liaison between the retreat staff and our leadership, a Godly gopher! So liaise I did. I addressed the concern. As I let the transmit button on my radio loose, I fell to my face in tears. I wanted so badly to re-commune with God, to claim back the moment. It was gone. It was soon replaced with peace and a bright smile. I was here to serve and serve I will. No towel for me, obscurity such a better place. I served with joy and purpose dealing with the issues of the day to ensure a smooth experience for our group.
Praise and WorshipSo those of you who know me through this blog know that worship is not my strong suit…yet. Well that would change too. This weekend had more time in worship than I have experienced since the last Promise keepers conference I attended a few years back.
Friday, Saturday morning, Saturday evening, I struggled. Yes there were moments where I was in the spirit praising and worshiping. I could not stay there though. Sunday morning was different. Was it the music, the song choices, I don’t rightly know. What I do know is God showed up for me. A simple whisper “on your knees” I obeyed and their started one of the most profoundly God charged worship times I have experienced. From my knees to my face, I worshiped my heavenly father. As I did so he revealed to me further that pride was not the only root, selfishness was there also
Will you pray for me?I found myself walking to the front for an altar call. Part way there a brother from last years small group stood in praise. I asked him to pray for me, ask God to break the bonds of pride in my life. Over the decibels of the praise song my brother prayed hard for me. With a thankful hug I continued to the front. To my knees, to my face I prayed for forgiveness and deliverance to be selfless, to be humble.
Praise God. I left the retreat a changing (not changed too presumptuous) man of Christ.
How was the retreat Ron?
In the last three days I have been asked that question so many times. Each time, the Lord reveals a new detail of what we experienced together. So many moments so many stories.
I am a new creation in Christ. I am a man of God. I am forgiven, I am saved.
Praise God
Ron
