Limping Out: Requiem Well Almost #1

Yesterday was exactly 4 months to the day since I about killed myself hiking.

 

I would like to say I am fully healed and that all is normal. Spiritually speaking I have been fully healed since that day. As I said before the presence of God was so clear in the hours following my accident that I knew I was healed. Funny thing though my ankle did not get the memo. The first six weeks were difficult to say the least. Somewhere around 10 weeks I realized I was “almost” normal again. This despite all my wise friends and colleagues saying it might never heal fully. Yeah thanks I would say.  I started working out in week 10 and have been doing so now for 6 weeks. I feel alive and strong. Energy levels climbing by the day. Still though my ankle did not get the memo. A missed placed step and a dull shooting pain was my reward. A stretch of a joint that just won’t go as far as it used to…

 

Throughout this ordeal I wanted to live the wisdom “if you fall get right back up and try again”. I desperately wanted to go back up the mountain and thank God for my deliverance. I wanted to run the dirt and rock through my hand in the spot I fell. I wanted to see the blood stains in the ground where I came to rest. I wanted to retrace my steps as God carried me out of that place. The desire to return was overwhelming. Only thing is I knew that I could not too early, I had to be fit and strong.

 

My wife and friends wanted me to take a friend, they wanted me to play it safe. Common sense sure, wise advice certainly, but is that the way of a real man? How could I go back into Gods country with a safety net?! No this was a journey I had to take alone.

 

I decided to ride my mountain bike up there this time. I had always wanted to do so in the past but was not fit enough for the cardio beating it took to do so. I have no friends capable of this ride and only a few acquaintances who could and they just would not get the significance of the ride so I rode it alone.

 

I got to within half a mile before I had to walk. Travelling off-road up a mountain trail for over five miles will wear you down like no other workout I know, it just never ends. As I approached the mound I was stunned. You see I had secretly begun to think I has exaggerated its size. No it could not have been over 40 feet high. It was higher, at least 60! It was not that steep, yes it was. I climbed that thing?!

 

I stared at it awestruck at how blessed I was to have been delivered from this. Even though I had returned to the spot I had fallen I felt this strange urge upward. Should I? You must, a voice inside me responded, closure awaits. So I climbed back up the slope I ran down just four months earlier. I got to the top and praised God for my deliverance, thanked him for his grace. Then I began to climb down.. again…

Father thank you

there are no words to describe the depth of my gratitude for what you did for me that day

Thank You

Are you Free?

There is a verse in Second Peter that says;



a single day is like a thousand years with the Lord and a thousand years are like a single day

2 Peter 3:8



Have you ever stopped to consider what this might mean?


Recently I have been reflecting on a deliverance the Lord has granted me. For years I have fought a battle in this area for years I have failed. This was for me the thorn in my flesh the wound that would not be healed. Before I came back to the faith I really did not even consider the behavior to be wrong. Sure I had a vague sense that it was, that old catholic guilt thing. I was able to quickly rationalize my behavior and continue on oblivious to the consequences I was piling up. In the last ten years as my faith in Christ has grown I have become increasingly aware of how wrong headed I was and how much death I was sowing.


So I began in earnest to stop the behavior. I would fail each time and then the guilt of failure would convict me sending me deeper into despair and self loathing. I would cry out to God seek forgiveness and healing for my sin and start anew. Yet I would stumble and fail again and again.


I looked deeper what were the triggers to the behavior, if only I could stop them, I would be delivered! I sought these out. One by one I eliminated the triggers, only to find more or worse yet new triggers as my flesh desperately clinged to old ways. The stumble comes leading to failure.


I tried studying Christian books on the subject. How to break free from old patterns. I followed their models for years with only minuscule success. The stumble comes and failure follows and the cycle goes over again.


I tried talking to Christian friends and family. I shared my heart I asked for their support. This worked for a while accountability is a great thing especially in Christ. However in time even this broke down and again the stumble comes and the cycle repeats.


I tried crying out to God in desperation. I yelled at him, screamed, lashed out in anger, cried tears of desperation, humbled myself before him in a last ditch attempt to find freedom from my bondage. I gained some relief but in time I would stumble and again the cycle repeats.


Then something happened


There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus

Romans 8:1


I discovered what this verse means and for the first time believed it.


It is finished

John 19:30


I discovered what this verse means and for the first time believed it


Love the lord your God with all your heart your soul your strength and your mind

Luke 10:27


I finally began to understand what this verse meant and began to live it.


As you sew so shall you reap

Galatians 6:7



I began to finally understand my struggle from a spiritual dimension


This winter my pastor did an extended sermon series on Galatians and it changed my life.


I am Free


I finally understand that my past behavior was reaping present consequence. Until I accepted that I am a new creation in Christ and that ALL my sins have already been forgiven, I could not be free. Today I am free from the lie of condemnation, I am free from the selfishness of self (on this battle front anyway). I have learned to surrender my will to God. I have been delivered. I am free to choose, free to live for him, free to serve his people, free to heal the broken hearted, I am free


The Lord revealed to me that my failure was predictable. Until I surrendered to him completely, until I trusted him completely, until I truly loved him, until I stopped trying to change in my own strength, until I waited upon him and his timing I could not be free.


I am free


Praise you Lord Jesus


My brothers and sisters you too can be free


Confess your sins to Jesus and repent


Accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior


He will set you free


Your brother in Christ


Ron

The Trip IV: Duty and Self

Most of us in North America are accustomed to having a fairly generous zone of personal space. Our personal space is reserved for a select group ourselves of course and those with whom we are most intimate. In fact one of the ways we can determine how close someone is with another is by how close they get to one another and how comfortable they are when they do so. The closer and more comfortable, the more intimate the relationship in general pretty simple right?

Well, in late August I spent 6 days with my parents and eldest sister helping my mother to prepare for cancer surgery. Because of constrained time lines, further constrained budgets I ended up having precious few moments to myself alone. Sharing a hotel room with my father and all waking moments with my mom dad and sister. This is treasured time as I consider the gravity of why I am visiting. Life is short and relationships matter. I wanted to be fully present and serve with a heart like Jesus while there.

Conflicting with this was my need to be alone. Alone time is my opportunity to pray and praise God, to intercede on behalf of others in need, to seek wisdom and understanding, to seek forgiveness and healing. Other than washroom time I had zero time alone for six days. Praying in the washroom is okay but not ideal to say the least. I can't pray with my parents their catholic roots and mindset just doesn't get my relationship with Jesus. My sister is too hurt to believe right now. But she did ask about my faith praise God...

So I struggled mightily to hold this dichotomy in check and get through this time in such a way that my parents and sister knew without doubt my love for each of them. It was a challenging time, it taxed my patience to the limit, it sapped my energy down way too low, it drew heavily upon my spiritual batteries.

You know the moment before I left after the operation was over and my mom appeared to be on the mend, my father gave me a priceless gift. As he thanked me for being there and said goodbye, his voice cracked just a bit. Just enough.

No words but I knew what he was saying "I love you son, thanks for being here for your mother and I"

If you read my previous posts you will know that this is the secret way my family communicates. No outward shows of affection, just stoic acts sometimes with the cracks of emotion that say the words that cannot be spoken.

So my mom was on the mend that day and I hoped a jet for home a few thousand miles away. Secured in my heart was the knowledge that I had honored my mother and father.

I only pray that it will go well for them.

Father

I praise you
Your healing hand
Your gentle son Jesus
Your grace
Your omnipotence
Your plans for us
Your glory revealed
Your majesty and creation
Your unbounded love

I thank you for the healing hand you placed on my family
I thank you for your deliverance

Blessed be your name in all the nations on all the earth

In your sons victorious name I pray

Amen