Cellars of the Heart

When I was a child I used to have the odd nightmare. You know the ones where you are falling and falling and falling or the ones where you are being chased but your feet are in quicksand. There was one other that was not so much a nightmare but often turned into one on me. I would find myself in a strange house wandering through trying to figure out where I was. Room after room passage way after passage way you try to figure out where you are. At some point just like the "B" movies you go into the basement to see if you can find the electrical panel to turn the lights on. Has that ever happen to you?

A version of that scene came to me early yesterday morning during my men's bible study when our pastor clearly spoke about surrendering to God. Only this time I discovered in that basement the boarded up entrance to a deep cellar. Covered with cob webs smelling musty and unwelcoming, this is a place that screams Danger! Keep Out! Stout dirty beams nailed with large spikes ensured no one would ever be able to pull away the covering on this deep dark opening in the basement.

Whatever did this message mean? Unfortunately I know all too well. Like most men I compartmentalize my thought life. This is a really neat male feature; it allows you to function normally when you are angry, broken, hurting, or ashamed. Without this function most men could not pretend to be normal. They would be unable to function normally their brokenness would be too close to the surface; someone would find them out.

I was dealing that morning with a rebellious sin. I knew I had to address it but was content to keep it locked away securely in the cellar to be dealt with later. There was one little problem with my plan, the Lord wanted none of it. You see I have been reading a book called Total Surrender. This book was given to me by a Christian brother who has recently started investing in my faith life.

I want nothing more than to surrender completely to the Father and have prayed humbly to do so. Andrew Murray the author of the book clearly argued that to surrender we must empty our heart of our own selfish desires for the Holy Spirit to fill us with God's desires. See where this is going.

Ironically this subject of surrender has become a common theme these past few weeks. I am no different than most guys; a little slow in picking up spiritual clues. First the book, then the bible study. Sandwiched in the middle of these was a praise song sung at a worship service. The band that night had played wonderfully, until that song. For me it was like fingernails on a chalkboard. It was not that they were playing bad, it was that I am used to hearing Jeremy Camp sing this particular song; Empty Me. I am sure that my discomfort in hearing the band play this song was intentional. I needed to hear this warning bell.

Empty Me by Jeremy Camp

Holy Fire burn away,

my desire for anything

that is not of you and is of me,

I want more of you and less of me, yeah.

Empty me,

Empty me, yeah,

Fill, won't you fill me,

with you, with you, yeah.

I love this song. This night my quest to surrender heightened. I became aware of the fact that I need to be like an empty clay jar ready to receive. I need to uncover any blemishes, any closed off areas that keep me from full surrender.

So back to the cellar

As dearly as I have prayed to empty myself I have recognized that there is yet another cellar in the basement of by heart. One that has been long secured from the Lord. I cannot let him in, it must be held back. The funny thing is for the longest time I did not even know it was there. It was hidden amongst all the other junk in me. As this junk has been slowly removed by the Holy Spirit, this door became evident.

I cannot open this door on my own, it is too well secured. I need the help and strength of the Holy Spirit. The morning of the Bible Study I asked a brother to pray for me. The same man who has started to invest in my faith life. Have you ever confessed a sin to a brother and been afraid of what they might think? Ever done it anyway? I have. That morning, the spirit helped me muster the courage to confront my own rebellion. As he prayed over me, I could sense the Spirit washing over me covering me with what felt like a force field of protective covering. As much as I want to stick dynamite under this door in my heart and blow it up, I cannot. On my own I can do nothing to break into this stronghold of sin, but in the spirit, in Christ all things are possible.

This morning I could feel the thin edge of the wedge sliding into place behind the beams holding this door.

Father I need you more than ever
If I am to completely surrender
I need the intercession of the Holy Spirit
I cannot do the work in front of me
You can
Will you Father
I need you more than ever
Praise be your Holy name

amen